Are you living the life that you deserve?

I have been thinking a lot lately about how we can have a tendency to deny ourselves the opportunity to simplify our lives.  Although it is most probably the result of some of our more negative experiences that leads us to feel clouded, protective and fearful, my sense is that it is the negativity that drowns out any trust in embracing that simplicity.  It is the very nature of experiencing negativity that perhaps conditions us to be mistrusting and wary and certainly perpetuates the cycle of confusion.  I believe that the knock on effect is we can then convince ourselves, on some level, that we don’t deserve the life that perhaps we want and that very mindset sure as hell creates a massive barrier in attaining it.

It is easy to see how the external messages we receive then go on to feed our own internal dialogue, so that we unwittingly go on to support that perspective; so much so that we can feel like we are submerged in our own conflict, indecision and doubt.  That truly does not make for a simple life and completely strengthens a feeling of unworthiness and complication.

There are so many experiences that I could personally draw on to example that heightened feeling of shame, unworthiness, and ultimate lack of deserving; and predominantly those feelings that I have carried have been as a result of external messages that I then went on to internalise.  Rather frustratingly they just kept on coming my way until my internal self was in such conflict that I had no choice but to stop, take stock and listen to me!  Intellectually I knew that the utter bullshit that had been thrown my way was indeed just that, but because of my early conditioning I was taught to absorb it and carry it.  I was somehow duped in to believing it was my bullshit, resulting in a reinforced belief that I deserved it.  It’s as simple as that.

I find it quite ironic that I was named ‘Amanda’, it’s meaning ‘worthy of love’ and that it was the very two people that bestowed that name upon me that completely struggled to either give or receive any kind of healthy love.  That saddens me, both for them and for the impact it had on my siblings and I.  It certainly left me mistrustful around receiving or indeed feeling worthy of love, that said, I never seemed to struggle around giving it out.  What I came to understand is how cumbersome that was and it came at a cost to my own worth and deserving.  

I now know that there has to be balance to create the life that you deserve.  We are all entitled to have balance.  We can’t just keep doling the good stuff out without ever getting anything in return and there should be no shame or guilt in aspiring to that.  Equally we can’t keep doling the bad stuff out in the hope that it somehow protects us, that just keeps us enslaved in negativity.  I believe it is important to show love, respect, forgiveness, compassion and kindness but I also know that it is important to be in receipt of those values; by not allowing that balance may be consider that you are the one that is controlling that cycle of ‘not living the life that you deserve’.

My exposure to life tells me that if you are open to both giving and receiving the love, compassion, vulnerability, respect, honesty and encouragement we all deserve; if you are open to allowing balance, acceptance and forgiveness both in yourself and others, then I believe that you have some of the components that will consolidate your foundations.  If you are denying yourself access to those experiences, both internally and externally, or you are reinforcing a cycle of giving energy to people that don’t have an openness to those qualities; then my suggested approach is to step away from your negative internal dialogue and theirs, so that you can clear the path to start walking towards the simplicity that you desire. 

Some people would argue that what I have said is idealistic, I would argue that we have a basic right to give ourselves the freedom to choose; and it certainly beats conflict, suppression, confusion and fear.  Stop feeding the bullshit story that comes between you and what you want and get to work on writing your own story, then get out there live it, breathe it and make it your reality.  Really do weigh up whether it is worth forfeiting your right to have what you deserve because of an attachment to a negative past that simply fails to enhance your life!  That stuff really can diminish if you allow simplicity to triumph over conflict.