Are you really responsible for all the bad things that happen?

Are you really responsible for all the bad things that happen?

Are you really responsible for all the bad things that happen?

In a nutshell no you damn well are not!

The day that I really understood that it felt like I had woken up from a really bad dream.  Intellectually I have pretty much always known that, of course, I am not responsible for the dreadful childhood abuse I went through; of course I am not responsible for the workplace bullying I encountered; of course I am not responsible for the men that have come in to my life and wanted to control me; or indeed the women that have done the same under the guise of ‘friendship’.  

What I am responsible for, however, is how I have chosen to handle those situations.  I was always my greatest critic, another symptom that comes from the disease of dysfunction.  Perhaps on some level people subconsciously smelt that and endeavoured to capitalise on it.  I am not sure I consciously let them but perhaps my approach to those situations needed a little fine tuning!  And I do believe, in part, that comes down to that feeling of responsibility!

 I do understand that because I was so severely abused as a child that I was naturally shaped to believe that whatever happened to me was somehow my fault.  Nobody appeared to take any accountability, therefore as an impressionable child I believed I must have been at fault.   An abusive person does not take responsibility therefore someone has to carry the can and there my friends is where the problem lies.  I believe, to a degree, I came out of my abuse fairly unscathed.  By that I don’t mean that it hasn’t caused me the deepest pain and hurt, but what I have not done is to continue that cycle.  I have grown to have a much greater understanding and compassion for others, I have cultivated a strong spirit and a fearlessness that has mostly served me well.  I think most importantly I will always have an openness to learn from my experiences; and something that I have come to accept is that to fight against that is far too detrimental to my own wellbeing. 

Boy have I had some serious lessons to learn and in that process I have had to encounter some of the most deeply unpleasant people and some of the most abusive of situations.  I believe we all have the freedom of choice around how we behave.  As we grow in to adults we are given the opportunity to gain more understanding and knowledge.  If we choose not to take that on board but moreover continue to punish others for our past, and indeed allow them to hold the responsibility for our own stumbling blocks, then something has gone seriously wrong.  Those negative patterns will not change and they will not improve if we continually hurl our shit elsewhere. 

I talked earlier about the fine tuning.  I am a natural healer, I am empathic and compassionate; and I know how to carry my own responsibilities.  On some level people have misconstrued that to assume that I am weak, a pushover, some kind of punch bag.  I am none of those things.  Yes I have experienced abuse but not because I am weak, or a pushover, or some kind of punch bag; I have had to show huge strength and courage and against the odds really learn to love who I am.  People are often drawn to me because of my energy, strength and positivity.  It is some of those people I have encountered that seemed to believe they have a sense of entitlement to try and take that very essence of me away.  What is deeply concerning is that to maintain a grip on it they have really bullied, undermined and intimidated me.  On some occasions it has been so horrific that I have almost lost my essence.  Almost.  Today not on any level do I tolerate that kind of behaviour and I now know that in my core I am certainly not responsible for it.  I believe somewhere deep in their subconscious those people have had some misguided notion that to take from me would somehow make them feel more complete.  I totally fail to understand how that works. 

The only person that can truly complete you is you.  No-one else can do that, they can stand by your side, they can support you, they can offer you nurturing.  But ultimately, until you really understand that the buck stops with you, you will struggle to find peace within and that will almost certainly impact on your ability to form healthy connections in your outer world.  You can apportion blame and place unrealistic expectations on other people and hope that somehow on some level that makes you immune from culpability, but it doesn’t it just keeps you on a rather pointless merry-go-round.  If you look to others to complete you then they will fail time and time again and that will most likely result in living in a cycle of bitterness, blame and projection.  

We all experience difficulties in life and it is both sad and unfair, but there comes a day when, if we are to find any peace, we have to allow ourselves to heal from the pain that we carry, we have to let go of the illusional fear that stops us moving forward.  As adults no-one can hurt us, control us, manipulate us, or intimidate us in to feeling responsible unless we allow them to and if you are allowing that then perhaps consider that somewhere deep inside you still carry the dregs of ‘a responsibility that someone else failed to honour’.  Try to let go of a perpetual search for vindication because I am certain that will keep you stagnant.  It takes strength and courage to admit wrongdoing; sadly those that continue to cause hurt have failed to comprehend that.

Your energy is precious and it is not there for the taking, so be very discerning about freely giving it out.  Share it only with those that have a total respect for you, that offer you balance and equality.  Understand that it is your energy and it’s very function is to keep you solid, strong and whole.  When you have recognised and embodied a value and respect for that, both in yourself and others, then you really have created the freedom and skill to nurture a healthy flow.