Why do we place conditions on love?
I am not certain whether it is possible to define what love is, I guess it is something we either feel or we don’t. I am not sure it is something we choose, ‘they seem nice I think I will fall in love with them’, it just happens. It is not something that is based on superficiality, it does not have a location, it just is. It is a feeling that at it’s core has a purity to it and however much we test and challenge it if it is genuinely there it is very hard to break. Having said that I guess it depends how determined you are are to destroy it, the more you challenge it the more you will tarnish it’s purity and sadly that will impair any trust in it’s meaning. Ultimately love, if it is to have any real chance of growing, is something we have to flow with not fight with.
So what makes us place conditions on it and therefore deny ourselves to fully allow it? Anxiety around being vulnerable, fear of history repeating itself, a lack of trust, a lack of self love, a lack of deserving. It is those very things that become our barrier to allowing it.
Following a coaching session I did recently I felt this overwhelming feeling of how very precious we are and how we all really do deserve to be loved. It feels utterly crap that it is most probably the result of an intrinsic lack of healthy nurturing in childhood that we can then go on to spend our lives fighting against and having massive fear around the one thing that, as human beings, we truly crave. I think that most people have a deep desire to have healthy connections with others but the hurdles to getting there can feel insurmountable. They are not.
On some level there is a danger that we can be repelled by the very idea of being loved because our early associations to it were laced with condition and most probably pain. It is sadly that perception that creates the ultimate barrier to both giving and receiving love. If we are not in receipt of healthy love as children then there will certainly be consequences in our adult lives if we have not resolved those issues. It will very likely influence the choices we then go on to make and we can unwittingly be drawn to people that offer the same kind of skewed love that we received as children because that is what feels natural to us. Until we come to understand that we will struggle to break free from it.
When genuine healthy love does come our way it can feel unnatural and scary and there is a mistrust around it’s authenticity, for some it represents the potential for more hurt and pain. It is that deep level of mistrust that, if not overcome, will keep us in a perpetual cycle of being drawn to what we know no matter how unsatisfactory that is and will make us run from what we both want and deserve. It is our own self imposed conditions that will keep feeding that cycle.
So when you are lucky enough to come across someone that is precious enough that they bring you a sense of joy, they offer a love that does not place conditions or expectations on you, a love that accepts you for who you are, a love that is healthy and genuine; and equally you are precious to them for those very same reasons; my suggestion is you hold on to that, you fight for it, you invest in it and you take the fear by the horns and work with it rather than against it. You alone have a choice around whether you walk towards the light or you stay in the dark. By breaking down the barriers of mistrust and condition you are creating the freedom to experience true potential and possibility. Remember those illusions come from a place that is not necessarily relevant to what is on offer in the here and now. Ask yourself why you would not be worthy enough to have what you truly desire. Consider how useful it is for you to berate yourself for the less compatible choices you may have made in the past. My particular view is those choices have given you the opportunity to learn, grow and understand yourself; and if viewed in a more positive sense they should give you the push you need to embrace something that is far more aligned with who you are. When you can comprehend that and you have ceased to give your power away to the wrong people you will feel you have so much more control of your own destiny, no-one from the past or present has control over your life unless you allow them to. As such you can then freely nurture the belief that everything you experience can and will direct you to where you want to be; from that vantage point you truly do open yourself up to the option of something that comes without condition, that is absolute, genuine, honest and real.
Love is not just something you say, it is something you do!